father
Father, I have sinned again I have felt the urges and I have been feeling them for as long as I've inhabited heaven.
I have done unto myself things that I deeply regret. To think this just started with innocence makes me sick at best.
I have seen parts of me that I wish weren't there, but you made humans into explorers and later let them sink.
Father, I've been unholy, are you proud of me? I bit the apple ages ago and its taste still haunts my mouth.
Because it was so sweet, but it rot in my tongue, and now it's bitter; my existence is.
Father, I've lost all innocence. I'm not who I used to be. It feels like I'm long gone buried in a pile of salt.
I know you do not miss me. I know you love seeing me like this, my wings have gone dark since, and I know not to beg you “please”.
Father, I hate you, and I hate you made me like this, I hate the path I've chose for myself. I hate not feeling good anymore.
I hate your creation, and the one you put me in, I hate your temptations and I hate you made me exist.
Father, your water will not clean me anymore, not anymore; and tears have not either. Gold fading to black.
Father, I fell in your shadow, and I became who I said I wouldn't, and I beat myself for it, given your absence.
I am going on a cart downhill, and I do not know how to stop it, I long lost heaven's light, and I can't do this on my own.
My chains keep breaking as I desperately try to grasp the person I want to be. I keep trying over and over.
I have fasted for days as much as I could help it, yet I still come back for the apple as other foods do not satiate me.
Father, I am hooked on your venom. I crave when it kills me slowly, and I love to watch myself wither away from my own throne.
Father, you have never saved me, and I'm not asking you to now, but I though I would let you take pride on my misery.
I still have the apple. I still bite into it. But now I have no reason to, it doesn't fill me anymore.
I don't know why I do it, if it pains me so much, but I long the rush of disobedience and I keep thinking this will provide me somehow.
The truth is that it doesn't, it never really did. I know your spiel about free will and how I did this to myself.
Father, you made it hard to follow your light, so much only those born into it are able to even taste it.
No human on earth has seen it, and neither have I. I'm sorry I fell out of your control, as if you ever had it.
One day I'll throw the apple away, maybe cleanse myself from it. I long to be pure once again, and to be bathed in the light.
And on that day, I will taste myself. I will make my free will into genuine liberty.